It could be true... London-Amsterdam Air-Bridge concept studied by UK government
The UK Government has established a highly paid 15-person committee to examine whether a focus group study should be conducted into the feasibility of a new "Air-Bridge" to connect London Heathrow Airport with Amsterdam Schiphol Airport. The bridge will be the longest single- span construction ever conceived. The exciting concept follows strenuous attempts by the Conservatives' Liberal Democrat and Green coalition partners to encourage air passengers to travel anywhere except to and from the UK.
The committee will be headed by the Bishop of Bottom Hollow and Little Barking, who leapt to prominence last year by excommunicating all airline staff in the UK, whom he described as "sinful exponents of the dark art". The concept of the new Air-Bridge would allow passengers at Heathrow to connect, via a short 15-hour bus ride, through Schiphol Airport to lots of other places in the world. This is only slightly more than the current time taken to connect between terminals at London Heathrow.
- The UK Government has established a committee to examine the feasibility of a new "Air-Bridge" connecting London Heathrow Airport with Amsterdam Schiphol Airport.
- The Air-Bridge concept aims to avoid the need for building new airports, runways, or terminals in the UK.
- Funding for the bridge is proposed to come from tripling the Air Passenger Duty.
- The committee will be headed by the Bishop of Bottom Hollow and Little Barking.
- The Dutch Ministry of Transport expressed a lack of knowledge about the proposed bridge and mentioned a preference for transfer passengers to connect through Brussels Airport.
- Silvio Berlusconi and Nicolas Sarkozy plan to establish a flight attendant training college near Bling-Bling in southern France.
The Air-Bridge will, according to the revolutionary plan, avoid the need to build any more airports, runways or terminals in the UK. Under the daft [sic] plan, published illegally by WikiLeaks, funding for the bridge is to be generated from a simple tripling of the Air Passenger Duty. "It's only a few quid anyway and most people can afford it. If they can't, they should stay at home. There's lots of good programmes on the telly these days," said Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, MP, who is currently supervising a reduction in payments to the BBC.
A BAA official, when informed of the new committee and bridge concept, supported the prospect, once she had sat down and had a cup of tea. Meanwhile a spokesman for the Dutch Ministry of Transport said something that no one outside Holland could understand, and then expressed a total lack of knowledge of any proposed Anglo-Dutch bridge. "There's no way we want any more transfer passengers here either. Now that we don't charge them, they only get in the way and before we know it, we'll have to build another runway. It would be better if they connected to Brussels Airport instead, because it is not in Holland," said the spokesman.
Above image: artist's impression of the proposed London-Amsterdam Air-Bridge
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Silvio Berlusconi and Nicolas Sarkozy to establish flight attendant training college at Bling-Bling
FORMER ITALIAN PRIME MINISTER, SILVIO BERLUSCONI, AND FRENCH PRESIDENT, NICOLAS SARKOZY, are to combine to address one of the most pressing issues for the airline industry, the acute shortage of skilled resources. They are to use their distinguished profiles to ensure the success of a state-of-the-art flight attendant training college that will raise the bar for these much underrated resource skills.
In a joint announcement, the two prominent leaders said: "As we prepare for future life outside politics, we each share the goal of eventually doing something useful for mankind. We have been researching this project for some time now across a wide range of fronts and are convinced that we have the skills and leadership talents to really make a difference in this new arena." Applications for positions at the college are now open for "young ladies of good backgrounds". Consideration is apparently being given by the founders to accepting male applicants as well, but no decision is expected at this stage.
The prestigious training college is to be located near the small town of Bling-Bling in southern France. It is planned to open as soon as the two founders are freed from their other duties.
This collection of "It could be true..." items comes from the light-hearted closing pages of CAPA's boardroom strategy journal, Airline Leader. CAPA is running a series of these items over the New Year holiday. For more quirky news - real and fake - see CAPA's funny blog Birdstrike.